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写作范文库
对比同一题目的两篇范文。
In recent years, the crime committed by young people is becoming more and more serious1 in many countries. This is a big problem for the society. In this essay, I will discuss the causes of youth crime and give some solutions.
There are many causes of this problem. Firstly, many young people come from a broken family. Their parents are too busy to look after them, or their parents divorced, so they lack of love and care2. Secondly, some young people are influenced by bad friends and the violent films or games3. They think crime is cool and want to imitate. In addition, poverty is also a reason, because some poor young people steal money to buy things they want.
To solve this problem, the government and the family should take some measures together. First, parents should spend more time with their children and teach them the right thing. Second, the school should provide more education about the law, let students know crime is wrong and dangerous. Besides, the government should give more job opportunity to young people4, so they don't need to commit crime to get money.
In conclusion, the youth crime is caused by many reasons, such as broken family, bad influence and poverty. If the family, school and government work together, I believe this problem will be solved and the society will become better5.
A memorized intensifier used in place of specific detail. The prompt already states crime is rising, so restating it vaguely adds nothing. Naming a figure, a type of offence, or an age group would show real engagement.
用背诵式的强调词代替具体细节。题目已经说明犯罪在上升,含糊地重复一遍毫无意义。给出一个数据、一类罪行或一个年龄段,才能显示出真正的切题。
"Lack" as a verb takes no "of" — it should be "they lack love and care" or "they are short of love". Confusing the verb "lack" with the noun phrase "a lack of" is a very common Chinese-speaker error.
"Lack" 作动词后面不接 "of"——应为 "they lack love and care" 或 "they are short of love"。把动词 "lack" 和名词短语 "a lack of" 混淆,是说中文的考生非常常见的错误。
Three separate causes (peers, films, games) are compressed into one clause and none is explained. Band 7+ asks you to pick one and trace how it actually leads to offending, not to list influences and move on.
三个不同的原因(同伴、影片、游戏)被压进一个从句,且无一得到解释。7 分以上要求你选定一个,追踪它究竟如何导致犯罪,而不是罗列影响后就带过。
"Opportunity" is countable here and needs a plural: "more job opportunities". Because Chinese does not mark plurals, this is easy to miss — but examiners register it as an accuracy error every time.
这里的 "opportunity" 是可数名词,需要用复数:"more job opportunities"。由于汉语不标复数,这很容易漏掉——但考官每次都会把它记为准确性失误。
An over-optimistic, formulaic ending that promises the problem "will be solved". High-band conclusions hedge ("could substantially reduce") because sweeping guarantees are neither realistic nor persuasive. Note also "the society" — society is uncountable and takes no article.
过度乐观、套路化的结尾,承诺问题"将被解决"。高分结论会用限定语气("有望大幅减少"),因为绝对化的保证既不现实也不具说服力。另外注意 "the society"——society 是不可数名词,不加冠词。
Rising youth crime is a genuine concern in many societies, but framing it as a single problem obscures its roots. In my view its causes are best understood as a chain of disadvantage rather than a list of separate factors1, and the measures most likely to work are those that intervene early in that chain rather than at its violent end.
The deepest cause is not poverty in isolation but the absence of a stake in one's own future. A teenager who sees no realistic path to a decent job, and who has learned from those around him that offending carries little cost, has weak reasons to stay within the law. Family breakdown compounds this, not because a single-parent home is inherently harmful, but because a supervising adult stretched thin has less capacity to notice the early drift toward truancy and delinquent peers2. Poverty, weak supervision and low expectations thus reinforce one another, which is precisely why treating any of them alone tends to disappoint.
It follows that punitive measures, though politically popular, address the problem too late. By the time a young person is sentenced, the formative decisions have already been made, and prison frequently deepens criminal identity rather than dissolving it. This is not an argument against consequences, but against relying on them as the primary tool3 when the evidence consistently shows they deter the young poorly.
The more effective interventions target the chain earlier. Mentoring schemes that give at-risk adolescents a stable adult relationship, vocational training that converts a dead-end sense of the future into a concrete one, and properly funded youth services that fill the unsupervised hours after school have all been shown to reduce offending more cheaply than incarceration. Because these measures restore the stake in the future whose absence drives the behaviour, they treat the cause rather than the symptom4.
In short, youth crime rises where disadvantage, weak supervision and hopelessness accumulate, and it falls most reliably not through harsher punishment but through early, coordinated support that reaches young people before the courts do. The task for governments is less to react to youth crime than to prevent the conditions that reliably produce it.5
The thesis reframes the task itself. Instead of promising to list causes, the writer proposes a way of seeing them (a connected chain), which turns the essay into a single argument rather than a catalogue — a high-band Task Response move.
论点重新定义了任务本身。作者不是承诺去罗列原因,而是提出一种看待原因的方式(一条相连的链条),这使文章成为一个统一的论证,而非清单——这是高分任务回应的手法。
A precise "not because X, but because Y" structure that isolates the real mechanism. It also quietly avoids the crude claim ("broken family causes crime") the Band 6 essay makes, showing exactly the kind of qualification the top band rewards.
一个精确的"不是因为 X,而是因为 Y"结构,剥离出真正的机制。它还悄悄避开了 6 分作文那种粗糙的断言("破碎家庭导致犯罪"),正好展现了顶分档所奖励的那种限定。
The obvious counterargument (criminals need punishing) is conceded and then carefully bounded, so the writer never appears naive. Granting a point its due weight before qualifying it is the clearest single marker of Band 8+ argumentation.
最明显的反方论点(罪犯需要惩罚)先被承认,再被小心地界定范围,于是作者绝不显得天真。先充分承认一个观点的分量、再加以限定,是 8 分以上论证最清晰的单一标志。
The solutions loop back to the exact cause named in paragraph two (a missing stake in the future), so problem and solution are genuinely welded together. This return closes the argument's circle — something the Band 6 essay, whose causes and solutions never quite connect, does not do.
解决方案回扣到第二段点明的确切原因("对未来缺乏投入感"),于是问题与对策真正焊接在一起。这个回环闭合了论证——而 6 分作文的原因与对策始终没能真正对应上,就做不到这一点。
A crisp, hedged close ("less to... than to", "reliably") that reframes the whole issue as prevention over reaction. Contrast the Band 6 promise that the problem "will be solved": high bands claim influence, not guaranteed outcomes.
一个利落而有分寸的收尾("与其……不如……"、"稳定地"),把整个议题重新定义为"预防重于应对"。对比 6 分作文"问题将被解决"的承诺:高分档主张的是影响力,而非板上钉钉的结果。
Both essays name similar causes — poverty, family, peer influence — and propose family, school and government solutions, so the raw content overlaps. The Band 8.5 essay binds those causes into one chain, isolates each mechanism with precision ("not because X, but because Y"), concedes the case for punishment before bounding it, and loops its solutions back to the exact cause it identified, closing the loop. The Band 6 essay lists causes and solutions in parallel without connecting them, promises the problem "will be solved", and carries recurring accuracy errors ("lack of", missing plurals, "the society") that a Mandarin speaker should target on a dedicated proofreading pass. To rise, make your solutions answer the specific cause you diagnosed, hedge your claims, and treat plurals and articles as a separate editing step.
两篇文章点出的原因相近——贫困、家庭、同伴影响——也都提出家庭、学校和政府三方对策,所以原始内容是重叠的。8.5 分作文把这些原因绑成一条链,用精确的结构("不是因为 X,而是因为 Y")剥离出每个机制,先承认惩罚的道理再界定其范围,并把对策回扣到它所诊断出的确切原因上,闭合了论证的回环。6 分作文平行地罗列原因与对策却不把它们连起来,承诺问题"将被解决",还带有反复出现的准确性错误("lack of"、漏复数、"the society")——说中文的考生应在专门的校对环节盯住这些。要往上走:让你的对策去回应你所诊断的那个具体原因,给论断加上分寸,并把复数和冠词当作一个独立的编辑步骤。