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寫作範文庫
比較同一題目的兩篇範文。
In recent years, the crime committed by young people is becoming more and more serious1 in many countries. This is a big problem for the society. In this essay, I will discuss the causes of youth crime and give some solutions.
There are many causes of this problem. Firstly, many young people come from a broken family. Their parents are too busy to look after them, or their parents divorced, so they lack of love and care2. Secondly, some young people are influenced by bad friends and the violent films or games3. They think crime is cool and want to imitate. In addition, poverty is also a reason, because some poor young people steal money to buy things they want.
To solve this problem, the government and the family should take some measures together. First, parents should spend more time with their children and teach them the right thing. Second, the school should provide more education about the law, let students know crime is wrong and dangerous. Besides, the government should give more job opportunity to young people4, so they don't need to commit crime to get money.
In conclusion, the youth crime is caused by many reasons, such as broken family, bad influence and poverty. If the family, school and government work together, I believe this problem will be solved and the society will become better5.
A memorized intensifier used in place of specific detail. The prompt already states crime is rising, so restating it vaguely adds nothing. Naming a figure, a type of offence, or an age group would show real engagement.
用背誦式的強調詞代替具體細節。題目已經說明犯罪在上升,含糊地重複一遍毫無意義。給出一個數據、一類罪行或一個年齡段,才能顯示出真正的切題。
"Lack" as a verb takes no "of" — it should be "they lack love and care" or "they are short of love". Confusing the verb "lack" with the noun phrase "a lack of" is a very common Chinese-speaker error.
「Lack」作動詞後面不接「of」——應為「they lack love and care」或「they are short of love」。把動詞「lack」和名詞片語「a lack of」混淆,是說中文的考生非常常見的錯誤。
Three separate causes (peers, films, games) are compressed into one clause and none is explained. Band 7+ asks you to pick one and trace how it actually leads to offending, not to list influences and move on.
三個不同的原因(同伴、影片、遊戲)被壓進一個從句,且無一得到解釋。7 分以上要求你選定一個,追蹤它究竟如何導致犯罪,而不是羅列影響後就帶過。
"Opportunity" is countable here and needs a plural: "more job opportunities". Because Chinese does not mark plurals, this is easy to miss — but examiners register it as an accuracy error every time.
這裡的「opportunity」是可數名詞,需要用複數:「more job opportunities」。由於漢語不標複數,這很容易漏掉——但考官每次都會把它記為準確性失誤。
An over-optimistic, formulaic ending that promises the problem "will be solved". High-band conclusions hedge ("could substantially reduce") because sweeping guarantees are neither realistic nor persuasive. Note also "the society" — society is uncountable and takes no article.
過度樂觀、套路化的結尾,承諾問題「將被解決」。高分結論會用限定語氣(「有望大幅減少」),因為絕對化的保證既不現實也不具說服力。另外注意「the society」——society 是不可數名詞,不加冠詞。
Rising youth crime is a genuine concern in many societies, but framing it as a single problem obscures its roots. In my view its causes are best understood as a chain of disadvantage rather than a list of separate factors1, and the measures most likely to work are those that intervene early in that chain rather than at its violent end.
The deepest cause is not poverty in isolation but the absence of a stake in one's own future. A teenager who sees no realistic path to a decent job, and who has learned from those around him that offending carries little cost, has weak reasons to stay within the law. Family breakdown compounds this, not because a single-parent home is inherently harmful, but because a supervising adult stretched thin has less capacity to notice the early drift toward truancy and delinquent peers2. Poverty, weak supervision and low expectations thus reinforce one another, which is precisely why treating any of them alone tends to disappoint.
It follows that punitive measures, though politically popular, address the problem too late. By the time a young person is sentenced, the formative decisions have already been made, and prison frequently deepens criminal identity rather than dissolving it. This is not an argument against consequences, but against relying on them as the primary tool3 when the evidence consistently shows they deter the young poorly.
The more effective interventions target the chain earlier. Mentoring schemes that give at-risk adolescents a stable adult relationship, vocational training that converts a dead-end sense of the future into a concrete one, and properly funded youth services that fill the unsupervised hours after school have all been shown to reduce offending more cheaply than incarceration. Because these measures restore the stake in the future whose absence drives the behaviour, they treat the cause rather than the symptom4.
In short, youth crime rises where disadvantage, weak supervision and hopelessness accumulate, and it falls most reliably not through harsher punishment but through early, coordinated support that reaches young people before the courts do. The task for governments is less to react to youth crime than to prevent the conditions that reliably produce it.5
The thesis reframes the task itself. Instead of promising to list causes, the writer proposes a way of seeing them (a connected chain), which turns the essay into a single argument rather than a catalogue — a high-band Task Response move.
論點重新定義了任務本身。作者不是承諾去羅列原因,而是提出一種看待原因的方式(一條相連的鏈條),這使文章成為一個統一的論證,而非清單——這是高分任務回應的手法。
A precise "not because X, but because Y" structure that isolates the real mechanism. It also quietly avoids the crude claim ("broken family causes crime") the Band 6 essay makes, showing exactly the kind of qualification the top band rewards.
一個精確的「不是因為 X,而是因為 Y」結構,剝離出真正的機制。它還悄悄避開了 6 分作文那種粗糙的斷言(「破碎家庭導致犯罪」),正好展現了頂分檔所獎勵的那種限定。
The obvious counterargument (criminals need punishing) is conceded and then carefully bounded, so the writer never appears naive. Granting a point its due weight before qualifying it is the clearest single marker of Band 8+ argumentation.
最明顯的反方論點(罪犯需要懲罰)先被承認,再被小心地界定範圍,於是作者絕不顯得天真。先充分承認一個觀點的分量、再加以限定,是 8 分以上論證最清晰的單一標誌。
The solutions loop back to the exact cause named in paragraph two (a missing stake in the future), so problem and solution are genuinely welded together. This return closes the argument's circle — something the Band 6 essay, whose causes and solutions never quite connect, does not do.
解決方案回扣到第二段點明的確切原因(「對未來缺乏投入感」),於是問題與對策真正焊接在一起。這個回環閉合了論證——而 6 分作文的原因與對策始終沒能真正對應上,就做不到這一點。
A crisp, hedged close ("less to... than to", "reliably") that reframes the whole issue as prevention over reaction. Contrast the Band 6 promise that the problem "will be solved": high bands claim influence, not guaranteed outcomes.
一個俐落而有分寸的收尾(「與其……不如……」、「穩定地」),把整個議題重新定義為「預防重於應對」。對比 6 分作文「問題將被解決」的承諾:高分檔主張的是影響力,而非板上釘釘的結果。
Both essays name similar causes — poverty, family, peer influence — and propose family, school and government solutions, so the raw content overlaps. The Band 8.5 essay binds those causes into one chain, isolates each mechanism with precision ("not because X, but because Y"), concedes the case for punishment before bounding it, and loops its solutions back to the exact cause it identified, closing the loop. The Band 6 essay lists causes and solutions in parallel without connecting them, promises the problem "will be solved", and carries recurring accuracy errors ("lack of", missing plurals, "the society") that a Mandarin speaker should target on a dedicated proofreading pass. To rise, make your solutions answer the specific cause you diagnosed, hedge your claims, and treat plurals and articles as a separate editing step.
兩篇文章點出的原因相近——貧困、家庭、同伴影響——也都提出家庭、學校和政府三方對策,所以原始內容是重疊的。8.5 分作文把這些原因綁成一條鏈,用精確的結構(「不是因為 X,而是因為 Y」)剝離出每個機制,先承認懲罰的道理再界定其範圍,並把對策回扣到它所診斷出的確切原因上,閉合了論證的回環。6 分作文平行地羅列原因與對策卻不把它們連起來,承諾問題「將被解決」,還帶有反覆出現的準確性錯誤(「lack of」、漏複數、「the society」)——說中文的考生應在專門的校對環節盯住這些。要往上走:讓你的對策去回應你所診斷的那個具體原因,給論斷加上分寸,並把複數和冠詞當作一個獨立的編輯步驟。