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比較同一題目的兩篇範文。
Money is very important in our life, everyone need money2. Some people think money is the most important factor for happiness. But I disagree this statement.1 I think money is important but not the most important, because there are many other thing more important than money.
First, money can not buy health. If a person is very rich but he is sick everyday, he can not feel happy. For example, my uncle he has a lot of money3, but last year he get a serious illness, and he spend a lot of money in the hospital, but he still very sad and can not enjoy his life4. So health is more important than money.
Second, money can not buy true love and friendship. If you have a lot of money but you don't have friend and family, you will feel very lonely. The friend who come to you because of your money is not real friend.5 When you have no money, they will leave you. So the feeling of love from family is more important than money.
In conclusion, money is important in our life, but it is not the most important factor for happiness, because money can not buy health and love. So I disagree the statement that money is the most important factor in a person happiness.
"Disagree" needs the preposition "with": "I disagree with this statement." Omitting "with" after disagree/agree is one of the most persistent Chinese-speaker errors and appears twice in this essay.
「Disagree」後面需要介詞「with」:「I disagree with this statement.」在 disagree/agree 後漏掉「with」是說中文的考生最頑固的錯誤之一,這篇文章裡出現了兩次。
"Everyone" is grammatically singular, so it takes "needs". Indefinite pronouns (everyone, someone, nobody) trip up Mandarin speakers because Chinese verbs never change form for the subject. This also follows a comma splice after "life".
「Everyone」在文法上是單數,要用「needs」。不定代詞(everyone、someone、nobody)常讓說普通話的考生出錯,因為漢語動詞從不隨主語變形。這句前面在「life」之後還有一處逗號黏連。
A double subject — "my uncle" and "he" both fill the subject slot. This mirrors a spoken Chinese topic-comment pattern (我叔叔他……) and must become simply "my uncle has". It recurs whenever a noun subject is followed by a pronoun.
雙主語——「my uncle」和「he」都佔據了主語位置。這對應漢語口語的「話題—評論」結構(「我叔叔他……」),必須改成簡單的「my uncle has」。每當名詞主語後面又跟一個代詞時,這個錯誤就會出現。
The verb "be" is missing: "he was still very sad". Chinese adjectives can function as predicates without a copula (他很难过), so learners routinely drop "is/was" before an adjective in English.
漏掉了繫動詞「be」:「he was still very sad」。漢語的形容詞可以不帶繫動詞直接作謂語(「他很難過」),所以學習者在英語裡形容詞前常常漏掉「is/was」。
Agreement and article errors together: "The friends who come... are not real friends", or keep it singular as "A friend who comes... is not a real friend". Countable singular nouns like "friend" need an article. The idea is sound, but the grammar keeps it at Score-15.
主謂一致和冠詞錯誤同時出現:「The friends who come... are not real friends」,或保持單數「A friend who comes... is not a real friend」。像「friend」這樣的可數單數名詞需要冠詞。想法是好的,但文法把它壓在了 15 分檔。
It is tempting to call money the single most important ingredient of happiness, since almost every other good in life seems to depend on it. Yet I disagree with the statement, not because money is unimportant, but because its influence on happiness is real only up to a point and then flattens sharply1, which is not how a truly decisive factor behaves.
The core of my disagreement is that money reliably removes unhappiness far better than it manufactures happiness2. Having enough to cover food, shelter and medical care eliminates a whole category of misery, and for someone below that threshold an extra sum genuinely transforms daily life. Above it, however, each additional increment buys steadily less contentment. Someone who doubles an already comfortable salary rarely feels twice as satisfied; they adjust to the new level within months and soon regard it as ordinary. A factor whose effect fades the more you have of it cannot honestly be called the most important one.
What continues to matter after that threshold are goods money purchases only indirectly, if at all. Close relationships, absorbing work and physical health predict lasting well-being far more consistently than income does, and each can be undermined by the very pursuit of wealth. A person who works punishing hours to grow an already sufficient income may trade away exactly the friendships and health that would have sustained them, ending richer but measurably less content. Here money does not merely stop helping; it can actively corrode the deeper sources of happiness.3
I concede that this argument holds most clearly once basic needs are met, and that for the millions living in genuine poverty money may indeed be the most pressing factor in their well-being. That is a real limit on my position.4 But the statement is framed absolutely, as a claim about people in general, and for anyone already past subsistence — the situation the claim implicitly assumes — the evidence points the other way.
In sum, money is better understood as a foundation than as a summit: indispensable up to the level that secures dignity and security, but a weak predictor of happiness beyond it. Calling it the most important factor mistakes the thing that prevents misery for the thing that creates joy5, and those are not the same.
A qualified thesis that pre-empts the obvious objection. Rather than pretending money does not matter, the writer concedes its value and locates the disagreement precisely (diminishing returns) — the nuance that separates a top essay from a merely correct one.
一個有限定條件的論點,預先化解了最明顯的反駁。作者沒有假裝錢不重要,而是承認它的價值,並精確定位了分歧所在(邊際遞減)——這正是頂分作文與「僅僅正確」的作文之間的思辨差別。
A single sharp distinction that the whole essay turns on — removing misery versus creating joy. The Score-15 essay makes the same broad point (money can't buy health or love) but never finds this precise pivot, which is what lets the argument feel earned rather than listed.
一個俐落的關鍵區分,全文都圍繞它展開——「消除痛苦」與「製造快樂」。15 分作文也提出了同樣寬泛的觀點(錢買不到健康或愛),卻始終沒有找到這個精確的支點,而正是它讓論證顯得是「掙來的」而非「羅列的」。
The idea is chained to a second, stronger consequence: money past a point is not just neutral but harmful. Extending one idea into a sharper follow-on claim, rather than starting a new point, is a hallmark of top-band development.
觀點被串聯到第二個更強的推論:過了某個點,錢不只是無用,而是有害。把一個觀點延伸出一個更尖銳的後續論斷,而不是另起一個新點,正是頂分檔展開能力的標誌。
The writer names the boundary of their own argument (money can be decisive in genuine poverty) instead of pretending it has none. This visible honesty about limits is exactly what a Score-26 grader reads as mature reasoning.
作者點明了自己論證的邊界(在真正的貧困中,錢可能確實是決定性的),而不是假裝論證毫無破綻。這種對侷限的坦誠,正是 26 分評分者所看重的成熟推理。
The conclusion restates the whole essay in one precise image instead of repeating the thesis word for word. Compressing the argument into a fresh, memorable formulation is what a top conclusion does — contrast the Score-15 close, which merely repeats "I disagree".
結論用一個精確的意象把全文重述了一遍,而不是逐字重複論點。把整個論證壓縮成一個新鮮、有記憶點的表述,正是頂分結論的做法——對比 15 分作文的收尾,它只是重複「我不同意」。
Both essays disagree with the statement and argue that money cannot buy health or relationships, so their stance and their examples rhyme. The Score-26 essay finds one precise pivot — money removes misery better than it creates joy — chains it into a stronger claim (wealth can actively corrode happiness), openly names the limit of its own position, and closes with a fresh image rather than a repeated thesis. The Score-15 essay reaches similar conclusions but through undeveloped examples and a dense cluster of L1-driven grammar errors: "disagree this statement", "everyone need", the double subject "my uncle he", and dropped copulas. The ideas are already competitive; the score is being held down by accuracy. Proofread specifically for agreement, missing "be", double subjects, and "agree/disagree with".
兩篇作文都不同意該說法,都論證錢買不到健康或人際關係,所以立場和例子彼此呼應。26 分作文找到了一個精確的支點——錢「消除痛苦」勝過「製造快樂」——並把它串聯成一個更強的論斷(財富可能主動侵蝕幸福),坦然點出自身立場的邊界,最後以一個新鮮的意象而非重複的論點收尾。15 分作文得出了相近的結論,卻是通過未展開的例子和一堆母語遷移造成的文法錯誤:「disagree this statement」、「everyone need」、雙主語「my uncle he」,以及漏掉的繫動詞。這些想法本身已經很有競爭力;分數是被準確性拖住的。請專門校對主謂一致、漏掉的「be」、雙主語,以及「agree/disagree with」。