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寫作範文庫
比較同一題目的兩篇範文。
In modern society, technology is developing very fast, and almost everyone has a smartphone now. Some people think technology make people less social1. I partly agree with this opinion, but I also think technology has some good effect on our social life.
On the one hand, I admit that technology sometimes make people less social. For example, when friends have dinner together, many people always look at their phone and don't talk with each other. This is not good for the relationship. Also, some young people spend too much time on the internet and social media, so they don't want to go outside and meet real people. They only have online friend but no real friend.2
On the other hand, technology also make people more social in some way. Because of the social media, we can keep in touch with our friends who live in far away places. In the past, if your friend move to another city, you will lose contact easily3. But now, we can chat with them by wechat or send message anytime, so our relationship become closer.
In conclusion, I think technology has both good and bad effect on our social life. It depends on how we use it. If we use technology in a correct way, it will make our life more convenient and our relationship more better4. So we should use technology wisely.
In a word, technology is a double-edged sword, we should use the good side and avoid the bad side.5
"Technology" is an uncountable singular subject, so the verb must be "makes". This exact agreement slip recurs three times in the essay ("technology make", "people always look"), because Chinese verbs never inflect. Fixing this one pattern would noticeably raise the accuracy score.
「Technology」是不可數的單數主語,動詞必須用「makes」。這個一致錯誤在文中出現了三次(「technology make」等),因為漢語動詞從不變位。僅修好這一個模式,就能明顯提高準確性分數。
Both nouns need plurals: "online friends but no real friends". The contrast the writer wants (online vs. real) is a good idea, but it is asserted flatly — why online ties fail to satisfy is never explained, which keeps development at Score-18.
兩個名詞都需要複數:「online friends but no real friends」。作者想表達的對比(線上 vs. 真實)是個好點子,但只是被生硬地斷言——為什麼線上關係無法令人滿足,從未得到解釋,這使論證深度停在 18 分檔。
A tense and agreement mismatch: a hypothetical needs "moves" (present) or a conditional "if your friend moved... you would lose contact". Mixing present and future in one conditional is a frequent Chinese-speaker error since Chinese marks time with context, not verb endings.
時態與一致不匹配:假設句需要用「moves」(現在時),或用條件式「if your friend moved... you would lose contact」。在一個條件句裡混用現在和將來,是說中文的考生常犯的錯誤,因為漢語靠語境而非動詞詞尾來標示時間。
A double comparative — "more" and "better" both mark comparison, so only one is allowed: "better" or "much better". This overcorrection is common when a learner senses a comparison is needed but stacks two markers to be safe.
雙重比較級——「more」和「better」都表示比較,只能保留一個:「better」或「much better」。當學習者感到需要比較、又為保險疊加兩個標記時,就會出現這種過度糾正。
A second, redundant conclusion after "In conclusion" — the essay ends twice. "Double-edged sword" is also a memorized idiom used as a substitute for a real final thought, and a comma splice joins the two halves. One precise conclusion beats two vague ones.
在「In conclusion」之後又來了第二個多餘的結論——文章結了兩次尾。「Double-edged sword」也是被當作真正結語替代品的背誦習語,兩個半句之間還有逗號黏連。一個精確的結論勝過兩個含糊的結論。
Whether smartphones and social media have made us less social is harder to answer than it first appears, because the question hides an assumption: that the connection these tools remove and the connection they add are the same kind1. I disagree with the claim that technology has made people less social, but only after redefining what "social" is being measured, since the technology has not reduced our contact so much as changed its texture.
It is true that devices routinely interrupt the situations we most associate with closeness. Anyone who has watched a table of friends fall silent over their screens knows the phone can hollow out a shared moment2, replacing presence with a hundred shallow elsewhere-connections. If being social means undivided, face-to-face attention, then technology has plainly eroded it, and dismissing that cost would be dishonest.
Yet this framing quietly ignores the enormous volume of connection these same tools create. A person who might once have lost every friendship that survived only through proximity can now sustain dozens of them across cities and decades; a shy teenager who struggles in a crowded room can find, online, a community built around exactly their interest. These are not lesser relationships simply because they are mediated by a screen. The relevant question is not whether we interact less, but whether the interaction we have gained is thinner than the interaction it displaced.3
My answer is that it is different rather than uniformly thinner, and that the outcome depends on substitution. When online contact replaces relationships that would otherwise have existed in person, something real is lost, because a screen filters out tone, touch and full attention. But when it maintains relationships that distance would otherwise have ended, or reaches people who were already isolated, it is pure gain. The tool itself is neutral; what determines the effect is whether it is adding connections we could not have had or subtracting ones we would have had anyway4.
For this reason I resist the blanket claim that technology has made people less social. It has made us social in a different register — wider, shallower and less bound by place5 — and whether that trade impoverishes or enriches a given person depends almost entirely on what their online hours are replacing.
The thesis exposes a hidden assumption in the prompt instead of answering it head-on. Identifying that the question conflates two different kinds of "social" gives the essay an angle no template supplies — the analytic move that anchors a top-band response.
論點沒有正面作答,而是揭露了題目中一個隱藏的假設。指出這個問題把兩種不同的「社交」混為一談,為文章提供了任何模板都給不了的切入角度——正是這種分析動作穩住了頂分檔回應。
The concession is granted at full strength with a vivid, specific image before it is answered. Compare the Score-18 essay's flat "this is not good for the relationship" — the higher essay makes the opposing case genuinely felt so that overturning it means something.
讓步以最強的形式、用一個生動具體的意象被承認下來,然後才加以回應。對比 18 分作文那句平淡的「這對關係不好」——高分作文讓對方的觀點真正被感受到,這樣再去推翻它才有分量。
The essay reframes the whole debate around a single sharper question (quality of substitution, not quantity of contact). This is the same online-vs-real contrast the Score-18 essay raised, but turned into a precise criterion the argument can actually be decided by.
文章把整場辯論重新聚焦到一個更尖銳的問題上(替代的質量,而非接觸的數量)。這與 18 分作文提出的「線上 vs. 真實」是同一個對比,但被轉化成了一個可以真正據以判定的精確標準。
One idea developed into a genuine decision rule: the effect depends on substitution, stated precisely enough to apply to any case. Where the Score-18 essay concludes vaguely that "it depends on how we use it", this specifies exactly what it depends on.
一個觀點被發展成一條真正的判定規則:效果取決於「替代關係」,表述得足夠精確,可以套用到任何情形。18 分作文含糊地收在「取決於我們怎麼用」,而這裡明確點出了它究竟取決於什麼。
The conclusion refuses the yes/no binary and names the actual change with three precise adjectives. Compressing the whole argument into "a different register" is the kind of controlled, non-repetitive close that reads as top-band writing.
結論拒絕了「是/否」的二元對立,用三個精確的形容詞點明了真正發生的變化。把整個論證壓縮成「另一種社交方式」,正是那種有掌控力、不重複的收尾,讀起來就是頂分檔的水準。
Both essays land on the same balanced idea — technology helps and harms our social life depending on use — so the takeaway is shared. The Score-27 essay gets there by exposing a hidden assumption in the prompt, granting the concession real force before overturning it, and converting the vague "it depends on how we use it" into a precise decision rule (the effect turns on what online time replaces). The Score-18 essay reaches the same conclusion but asserts its points without developing them, ends twice (once with a memorized "double-edged sword"), and repeats one agreement error — "technology make" — three times, alongside plural, tense and double-comparative slips. The thinking is on track; raise the score by developing each point into a criterion and fixing the single recurring verb-agreement pattern.
兩篇作文最終都落在同一個平衡的想法上——技術對社交生活有利也有弊,取決於如何使用——所以結論是共通的。27 分作文到達這裡的方式是:揭露題目中一個隱藏的假設,先賦予讓步真正的力量再將其推翻,並把含糊的「取決於我們怎麼用」轉化為一條精確的判定規則(效果取決於線上時間替代了什麼)。18 分作文得出相同結論,卻只斷言觀點而不加展開,結了兩次尾(其中一次用了背誦式的「雙刃劍」),並把同一個一致錯誤「technology make」重複了三次,還夾雜著複數、時態和雙重比較級的失誤。思路是對的;要提分,就把每個論點發展成一條標準,並修好那個反覆出現的主謂一致模式。