Loading…
Loading…
Writing structure library
Compare the two responses to the same prompt.
In recent years, the crime committed by young people is becoming more and more serious1 in many countries. This is a big problem for the society. In this essay, I will discuss the causes of youth crime and give some solutions.
There are many causes of this problem. Firstly, many young people come from a broken family. Their parents are too busy to look after them, or their parents divorced, so they lack of love and care2. Secondly, some young people are influenced by bad friends and the violent films or games3. They think crime is cool and want to imitate. In addition, poverty is also a reason, because some poor young people steal money to buy things they want.
To solve this problem, the government and the family should take some measures together. First, parents should spend more time with their children and teach them the right thing. Second, the school should provide more education about the law, let students know crime is wrong and dangerous. Besides, the government should give more job opportunity to young people4, so they don't need to commit crime to get money.
In conclusion, the youth crime is caused by many reasons, such as broken family, bad influence and poverty. If the family, school and government work together, I believe this problem will be solved and the society will become better5.
A memorized intensifier used in place of specific detail. The prompt already states crime is rising, so restating it vaguely adds nothing. Naming a figure, a type of offence, or an age group would show real engagement.
"Lack" as a verb takes no "of" — it should be "they lack love and care" or "they are short of love". Confusing the verb "lack" with the noun phrase "a lack of" is a very common Chinese-speaker error.
Three separate causes (peers, films, games) are compressed into one clause and none is explained. Band 7+ asks you to pick one and trace how it actually leads to offending, not to list influences and move on.
"Opportunity" is countable here and needs a plural: "more job opportunities". Because Chinese does not mark plurals, this is easy to miss — but examiners register it as an accuracy error every time.
An over-optimistic, formulaic ending that promises the problem "will be solved". High-band conclusions hedge ("could substantially reduce") because sweeping guarantees are neither realistic nor persuasive. Note also "the society" — society is uncountable and takes no article.
Rising youth crime is a genuine concern in many societies, but framing it as a single problem obscures its roots. In my view its causes are best understood as a chain of disadvantage rather than a list of separate factors1, and the measures most likely to work are those that intervene early in that chain rather than at its violent end.
The deepest cause is not poverty in isolation but the absence of a stake in one's own future. A teenager who sees no realistic path to a decent job, and who has learned from those around him that offending carries little cost, has weak reasons to stay within the law. Family breakdown compounds this, not because a single-parent home is inherently harmful, but because a supervising adult stretched thin has less capacity to notice the early drift toward truancy and delinquent peers2. Poverty, weak supervision and low expectations thus reinforce one another, which is precisely why treating any of them alone tends to disappoint.
It follows that punitive measures, though politically popular, address the problem too late. By the time a young person is sentenced, the formative decisions have already been made, and prison frequently deepens criminal identity rather than dissolving it. This is not an argument against consequences, but against relying on them as the primary tool3 when the evidence consistently shows they deter the young poorly.
The more effective interventions target the chain earlier. Mentoring schemes that give at-risk adolescents a stable adult relationship, vocational training that converts a dead-end sense of the future into a concrete one, and properly funded youth services that fill the unsupervised hours after school have all been shown to reduce offending more cheaply than incarceration. Because these measures restore the stake in the future whose absence drives the behaviour, they treat the cause rather than the symptom4.
In short, youth crime rises where disadvantage, weak supervision and hopelessness accumulate, and it falls most reliably not through harsher punishment but through early, coordinated support that reaches young people before the courts do. The task for governments is less to react to youth crime than to prevent the conditions that reliably produce it.5
The thesis reframes the task itself. Instead of promising to list causes, the writer proposes a way of seeing them (a connected chain), which turns the essay into a single argument rather than a catalogue — a high-band Task Response move.
A precise "not because X, but because Y" structure that isolates the real mechanism. It also quietly avoids the crude claim ("broken family causes crime") the Band 6 essay makes, showing exactly the kind of qualification the top band rewards.
The obvious counterargument (criminals need punishing) is conceded and then carefully bounded, so the writer never appears naive. Granting a point its due weight before qualifying it is the clearest single marker of Band 8+ argumentation.
The solutions loop back to the exact cause named in paragraph two (a missing stake in the future), so problem and solution are genuinely welded together. This return closes the argument's circle — something the Band 6 essay, whose causes and solutions never quite connect, does not do.
A crisp, hedged close ("less to... than to", "reliably") that reframes the whole issue as prevention over reaction. Contrast the Band 6 promise that the problem "will be solved": high bands claim influence, not guaranteed outcomes.
Both essays name similar causes — poverty, family, peer influence — and propose family, school and government solutions, so the raw content overlaps. The Band 8.5 essay binds those causes into one chain, isolates each mechanism with precision ("not because X, but because Y"), concedes the case for punishment before bounding it, and loops its solutions back to the exact cause it identified, closing the loop. The Band 6 essay lists causes and solutions in parallel without connecting them, promises the problem "will be solved", and carries recurring accuracy errors ("lack of", missing plurals, "the society") that a Mandarin speaker should target on a dedicated proofreading pass. To rise, make your solutions answer the specific cause you diagnosed, hedge your claims, and treat plurals and articles as a separate editing step.